Sonic.exe The (un)official prequel
THIS IS A TRUE STORY NOT A SHITTY CRAPPYPASTA SWEAR ON ME MUM
It was a cold morning. The sun shined through the windows and hit me right in the face. I got up and stretched my legs. Mum left the door to the sex dungeon open today, so i could probably go for a walk before i have another session of cry wanking while my mum beats the shit out of me. So i jumped out the window and went on my saturday morning walk before i realised that i wasn't wearing any clothes and everyone could see my potato dick. i rushed back home and put on my sexiest mankini (the one my granny thinks is rly sexy), and continued my walk. While i was walking down my street, terrifyng several small children with the sight of my horrible deformed man titties, i spotted a woman having a garage sale. She was like "oi m8 wanna buy sum drugs" and i was like "fukn sik dard give me the good shit". So i bought the drugs using my mum's credit card and i ran home before the neighbours called the police on my ass. So when i got home i snorted all the drugs in one go, because i was a crazy party animal. When nothing happened i realised that i had just bought a bag of flour instead of cocaine. i got really grumpy, and i was about to cry, but i didn't because i'm a big boy. i was going to go clear off all the grease and flour that was smeared all over my face when i noticed that there was a small object in the bag of flour. It was some sort of disc...
...and on it was written SONIC.EXE! IN PERMANENT MARKER!!!
I looked at the dics and was like "WOW a sonic game i LOVE sonic". So i went upstairs and put the disc into my commodore 64 and booted up the game. I could here my dad yelling at me from downstairs, which was weird because he left when i was 12. "Son you are 32 now, get a fucking job" "NO FUCK YOU DAD I DON'T NEED A JOB BECAUSE I'M EDGY LIKE SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!" I screamed back. I thought it was weird that my dad came back for the first time in 20 years just so he could yell at me, but i thought it was probably just a glitch, so i kept playing anyway.
BUT NOW I WISH THAT I DIDN'T!
(dun dun dun)
When i got to the title screen of the game after 2 hours (because it's a mac and it takes forever). it was normal, except there was HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD all over sonic's face, and his fur was red, LIKE BLOOD and he had red eyes, RED LIKE BLOOD, and his teeth were like sharp and creepy with red blood dripping off them, AND THE BLOOD WAS RED LIKE BLOOD, and then the screen turned to red, BLOOD OOO SCARY BLOOD BLOOD. Then it put me into the game. When i got into the game, i noticed that the background was red LIKE BLOOOOOD and the music was blood LIKE RED and it was REALLY SCARY YOU GUISE. But the sp00kiest part about it was that the person i was playing as was sonic, BUT HE WAS SKELLTON! I saw all this spooky stuff, but i kept playing anyway, because blood and guts was secretly my fetish. The stage was the exact same as rainbow road from the legend of zelda (EXCEPT THE BLOOD), but i beat it easily because i was the best ddr player that i knew (ladies). I kept playing the game, which was rly spooky because every time skeleton-sonic (or skeletonic) moved, hyper-realistic xylophones would play, and it made me shit my pants at least five times. BUT IT WAS HYPER REALISTIC SHIT WHICH WAS RED (LIKE BLOOD). So i got to the final level, but instead of being called HYPER-REALISTIC HILLS or BLOODY BLOODY SKELETON ZONE or (insert shit title here), it was called YOU'RE DEAD! So when the stage loaded up i played it, and it was really easy because it was just a long walk across a flat level. But when i got to the end of the level something really spoopy happened. I finished the stage and then SKELETONIC JUMPED OUT OF MY COMPUTER AND TOUCHED MY WEINER! I was all like "oh no skeletonic" and he didn't say anything but he laughed a spooky evil laugh which terrified me to the very core of my being. He flew around my room like a retarded superman on steroids and kept laughing at me because he was kind of a douche. Then he landed on the floor in front of me and he said "You have to beat the final b0ss before you win the game". And then he started slapping the shit out of me but i was totally into that so i let him keep slapping me. Then i was like "skeletonic i have to go to bed now it's 8:00 can we play in the morning" and he said "ok" and he flew back into the computer disc. "Now's my chance" i thought. I grabbed the disc out of the computer and put it into a envelope. I then wrote a note. I can't beat this bloody spoopy game, but maybe my only friend can...
"Tom,
I can't take it anymore, I had to get rid of this thing somehow before it was too late, and I was hoping you'd do it for me. I can't do it, he’s after me, and if you don't destroy this CD, he'll come after you too, he's too fast for me....
Please Tom, destroy this god-forsaken disc before he comes after you too, it's too late for me.
Destroy the disc, and you'll destroy him, but do it quick otherwise he'll catch you. Don't even play the game, it's what he wants, just destroy it.
Please...
Kyle"
"That looks good" i thought when i finished the letter. I put it in the mailbox and then i went back into the sex dungeon so that i could get some sleep.
"Finally it's over" I said as i crawled up in a ball in the urine-stained basement corner i called home.
OR WAS IT?
When i went to sleep that night, i didn't notice the mysterious shape in the corner behind me. I only noticed woke up the next morning. It was a SKELETONIC PlUSHIE DRIPPING WITH HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD. I screamed when i saw it, and i didn't stop screaming until my mum came downstairs, put a ballgag in my mouth, and started beating the shit out of me.
So remember kids, the moral of the story is not to buy bags of bullshit from creepy old ladies.
The End
OR IS IT?
(yes it is)